LET GO—a poet reflects how she implements Five Dimensions of Meaningful Change (writing under a pseudonym)

“Let go”
A command
Piece of advice
Meditation chant
Whatever or wherever
“Let go”
Happens to be
The words
Are loaded for me

It’s nobody’s fault

That’s what I tell myself
As I repeat the words
Whenever I see you
Grown up and being yourself
Yesterday in tight leggings and
Saggy black vinyl boots
Smiling, in a hurry
I wanted to see you
In a different outfit
That brought out your beauty
Instead of playing it down
And then I heard the words
Coming in on a faint breeze
“Let go,”
A song hidden in bird chirps
In our yard
Where you were standing
I wanted to push “Let go” away
And then I realized
You felt beautiful
In your own clothes.

Only last week you had called
Crying
“Mom, I dreamed I was dying
In the hospital
I couldn’t breathe
It was Covid, so real”
Then you sobbed
“I needed to hear my mom’s voice”
“I’m so glad you called”
I replied, then paused to hear
Your quiet way of weeping
gulps and sniffles, small gasps

How could I possibly
Let go now?
When I wanted to
Embrace you
Across whatever technology
Connected us on cell phones?
Cross the bandwidth
To soothe you
Not “Let go!”

And then words
Came up through my throat
They felt like strangers
“You are in your twenties
And facing this Covid 19
It’s so scary
And real
It’s only natural
Normal
For you to have a nightmare
That seems real
The Covid nightmare is real
Every day, sweetie.”
The “sweetie” part
Slipped in
But I wasn’t sorry.

The rest of my words to you
Had sounded so matter of fact!
Wise, reassuring,
Even if I didn’t actually know
Where they had come from
Or who had said them
Had I been possessed?

I heard you take in
A deep breath
“Mom, I feel better now.”
Wow!
It had all been so quick!
“I needed to hear what you said, Mom
Thanks”
Your voice was calm with an edge of casual
“Ok, bye.”
Not so quick!
That’s what I wanted to say
But didn’t
I let go
“Bye,” I said
“Love you”
And hung up the phone

Amber Birch
6/24/20